Thursday, September 29, 2011

My Incredible Hulk Moment

On Tuesday I was getting out of the car after a long day at the office, a 20 minute drive to the grocery store, in rush hour traffic in a car that was sitting in 100+ degree temperatures all day, when I heard a snap. The underwire broke in my bra.  

It was at least 130 degrees in the garage and I had to unload several bags of groceries when the snapped wire began pinching the smallest section of skin on my boob. I was hollaring for someone in the house to come out into the garage and grab the damn bags but both the Bug & Shark had a mysterious temporary hearing disorder that has yet to be diagnosed.

So there I was, holding seven bags of groceries with my two arms, my boob in peril, sweating profusely and dropping F bombs faster than the Japanese on D-Day. I managed to turn the door knob with my left ring finger, swing the door open with a swift kick of the right foot, thus slamming the door into the drywall and leaving a perfectly round indentation.

I dropped the bags on the kitchen counter, walked into my bedroom, pulled my shirt up over my head and threw it on the bed and began trying to unhook my bra. But as I reached behind me, I would push the broke underwire even further into my flesh creating more pain.

Finally I roared like a lioness in the African wilderness, dropped one more F bomb for good measure, screamed something about being sick of shit, and proceeded to rip the bra off. I think my skin has taken on a greenish tint.....

Friday, September 2, 2011

Texts from the Bug, Vol. 2

Sent on August 30, 2011 at 5:07 P.M.

Shark just farted in the kitchen. So the cooking process may be delayed.